I’m the mom I never wanted to be.

Growing up, I always knew I wanted to be a mom.

The whole planning a wedding thing that all of my girlfriends were doing? Yeah, never cared much for that. Never thought a whole lot about the husband part, actually…

But, even as a young child, I knew I was going to be a mom.

I’ve also always been a planner. Both of my parents owned their own businesses when I was growing up, so I guess you could say I was raised to look at the long-term and make goals and dates and deadlines.

So, naturally, I had an exact plan on how this was all going to go down.

I was going to be the cool mom.

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I was going to be the one that my kids loved to talk to and hang out with.

We were going to walk to the park daily and build pillow forts in the living room.

My house was going to be the house that all of the neighborhood kids hung out at. And all of my kids’ friends would be jealous and wish I was their mom too.

I was going to be the career mom.

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I’d have my big fancy career (what that would look like changed from week to week- veterinarian, CEO, lawyer, accomplished author…).

I would provide everything that my kids ever needed and anything they ever wanted.

They would never have to hear “Sorry hon, we just don’t have the money.”

I was going to be a mom to a lot of kids.

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Like, seriously. I wanted at least five. Preferably seven.

I was going to be the young mom.

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Once I figured out that a boy was going to have to play some sort of role in the whole me becoming a mom thing, I determined that I was going to be married right after high school and start a family right away while I was obtaining my degree for the aforementioned lofty career.

I was going to be the pretty mom.

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Sweatpants? Spit-up stained shirt? Mom-pony?

You’ve got to be kidding me!

I was always going to have my wardrobe and hair on point. I would never “let myself go” like that…

Can we all just laugh right now? I’m not even going to wait until the end of this article on that one…

I was going to be the “it” mom.

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I was going to have lots of mom friends that always wanted to hang out.

They were going to have it all together just like me (well, almost as much as me), and we were going to be inseparable.

I was going to be the rockstar mom.

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Bake sale?

How many dozens of the best cookies you’ve ever tasted do you need?

Fundraiser?

Check! I’ll totally head that up.

Soccer/football/hockey/basketball/volleyball game? I’ll be at every one!

Gymnastics/wrestling meet? Wouldn’t miss it!

I was going to do it all. Be it all. Take naps when the baby did. Be fully rested. My house was going to be spotless. There would always be a smile on my face and a spring in my step…

Okay… okay… you can laugh again.

So, that was the mom I was going to be.

But want to know about the mom I am?

I am a stay at home mom of one child that was an absolute miracle to conceive and carry to term.

I am very rapidly staring down the age of 40 (so, I’m thinking that 5 or 7 kids thing is most likely out of the question).

Twice divorced (so much for that finding my amazing husband in high school thing).

I am permanently exhausted (I used to commute 2 hours one way for work, work a 16+ hour shift, drive home and do it all again the next day and I was never this tired)!

I live in sweatshirts and faded jeans (and not the cool kind you buy that way).

Everything has a faint odor of spit-up and if I’m lucky I’ve managed to get a brush through my hair to pull it back into that proverbial mom-pony.

I haven’t had a haircut in two years. It’s real up in here, folks.

I’m a relatively recent transplant from a different state, and we live way out in the boonies, so I don’t exactly have a close circle of mom-friends that call me on the daily to meet for coffee.

My house is a mess.

Over the years I have learned the value of saying “no”. So, I probably won’t be heading up the PTA, Bake Sale, Car Wash, Girl Scouts, 4H, FFA, and coaching peewee soccer all at the same time.

I’ll try to make all the games, but sometimes life happens…or the farm happens…at the least opportune times.

I also love my daughter enough to know that I won’t be the cool mom.

I will teach her how to work hard, stand on her own two feet, never take anything for granted, and respect herself.

So, I’m exactly the mom I never wanted to be…

But I get to be the mom I am to this angel, and that’s more than alright by me.

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