This week I’m not writing about game-changing tips that you can use to organize your house or the 9 ways you can be better at mommin’.
Instead, I’m spilling my guts.
You see, I’m about to turn 31 and I’ve been feeling a pull.
Something has been churning inside of me, begging for a change…some excitement…something new…
I kept wondering What in the world is wrong with me??? Why am I feeling so weird and a little empty???
After all, things are pretty dang great around here.
I wasn’t able to put my finger on it until last week.
I sat on my bed and put words to my feelings… as Matt listened, I gave those emotions air to breathe. And when I finally did…oh, the lightbulbs and waterworks!
Over the last 8 years, I have carried four beautiful babies.
Lorelai was born in 2009, Jocelyn in 2011, Gideon in 2013 and Killian in 2015.
Over those 8 years, I think my momma mind, body and soul have gotten used a certain pattern. Every two years, my body became home to a tiny baby, and I soaked in the creation of new life.
But here we are in 2017, and my body is only my own.
There are no more heartbeats to hear…
No more movements to feel.
I will never again take newborn photos…
Or make a pregnancy journal…
Or count kicks late at night.
The maternity clothes are long gone.
The newborn clothes that I shopped for have all been lovingly passed to dear friends.
And though I am content with our decision that our family is now complete, knowing that I will never again spend 9 months growing a tiny human is not easy to face.
Now, don’t get me wrong…I will never pretend to understand what it is like to face the heartache of being unable to carry a child.
Though we have faced the loss of pregnancy, we have also known the joy of bringing home four healthy children.
Our hearts (and hands) are extremely full, but there is still a time of mourning when you realize that part of life is behind you.
That has made my heart heavy.
So now, as I stop to grieve the passing of that stage of my life, these are the things I am reminding myself:
Grieving for what won’t be does not mean you’re not thankful for what you already have.
I’m reminding myself that it is perfectly acceptable to have more than one feeling at a time.
Lately it seems like there have been a lot of baby announcements in my newsfeed…and though I am over-the-moon excited about the joy that all of these couples are experiencing (my sweet best friend included), I cannot deny that there is a part of me that cries a little that I’ll never again create a baby announcement…or pull out baby bedding…or pack a bag for the hospital.
It is okay to be both incredibly happy and feel that twinge of sadness at the same time.
As my kids get older, certain things get easier.
Over the weekend we attended a wedding. I was quickly reminded how difficult it is to take a 3 ½-year-old boy and a 1 ½-year-old boy to an event like that…
Then I looked over at our girls who are almost 8 and almost 6 and remembered how it felt the same way when they were younger.
But here we are just a couple of short years later, and I’m confident that I could take them anywhere with very little stress.
So as that baby fever kicks in, I remind myself that there are very few of these “difficult” years left (Did I just hear all you moms of older kids laugh out loud?? Yes, I’m sure I’m in for “difficult” in many other ways as they get older. Haha!).
Lastly, I’m telling myself to enjoy every season.
It never ceases to amaze me how quickly these years seem to be slipping through my fingers. So while I’m going through this passage, I’m constantly reminding myself that in the blink of an eye I will be heading into a whole new stage of life…
And though I may always carry a smidge of sadness over the loss of a full womb, I will remind myself that the childbearing years of my life were full to the brim with joy and excitement. And the fruits of that passage will continue to grow even more joy in every passing stage of my life.
If you’ve been feeling the 30-something pull, and could use some more encouragement during this stage of life, then you need to subscribe to my weekly FAB Friday Newsletter.
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I’m so glad you’re here! Thanks for reading along!
And as always,
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